- The title
Ignore what they might have told you about having to leave the title till the end. To get a grip on the paper’s spirit, you need to kick it off with a fancy-sounding, jaw-dropping title that would leave the audience mesmerized. Something along the lines of:
“The Resoluteness of AI as an Instantiation of Quantum Meta-dynamics: Towards a Normative theory of Quantum Ethics”
I don’t even know what that means, but that is definitely getting accepted into the most prestigious conferences around there.
- The jargon
Get you jargon straight. First, you need to sprinkle some terms moderately in order to make your paper sound technical and professional. However, you don’t want to seem lost and at unease with regards to the pinch of the added jargon. Even though jargon most definitely adds glitter to your paper and make it sound cultivated, your audience still wants to be certain that you at least know that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
- The thought experiments
Remember, if you want to sound scientific enough you need to eliminate any trace of personal experience, or interesting anecdotes, that might directly or indirectly relate to the topic you decide to write about. That is vehemently frowned upon in the academic realm. Instead, you would want to invoke “thought experiments” that seem quite similar to the anecdotes you intended to discard, but with a few twists such that the thought experiments seem to be abstract and other-worldly. Besides that, make sure to always remember that adding some Ps and Xs helps a lot in giving your paper the credibility you, of course, deserve.
- The footnotes
The footnotes! Just add whatever you don’t feel like talking about in the footnotes; this will be your free ticket to bolt from any scrutiny or questioning your paper might be subject to. Not only this, footnotes do bestow upon your paper a certain aura befitting of the title you’ve always secretly aspired for: a philosopher, nay, an ACADEMIC philosopher.
- The presentation
While at the conference, make sure to READ your paper verbatim. After all, this is philosophy, and you don’t want to keep your audience entertained. You see, the key factor to a successful philosophy presentation is to be found in reading through the fifteen pages anyone could have just read while sitting in their bed enjoying a cup of tea.
It is advisable not to give an interesting presentation whereby you maintain eye-contact with your audience. They will think you are not prepared for the presentation, and that you are not actually taking them seriously. Not only this, but they will suspect that you think you’re better than them, and that they’re not sophisticated enough to understand your illustrious paper.
Beware that philosophy audiences always expect to have mentalgasms as they glide-through your well-read, sophisticated, fancy-titled, jargon-full, abstract thought-experiments, with enough footnotes. Because, please, they want to rejoice while they vaunt themselves as refined intellectuals who are not valued by the ordinary citizens of the real world.